When we look beyond the flaws..

While casually scrolling through my Insta account, I came across a page about a rather remarkable Japanese art- Kintsugi or Kintsukiroi , a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery pieces by joining them with lacquered gold.

As I read more about it, the profound beauty and symbolic significance of this simple process in context of human relationships made me reflect.

Human relationships, especially marriages are a strong yet fragile bond. Two people when together can overcome any obstacle, and yet can disintegrate and grow apart at the slightest provocation.

 A relationship works in the long term only when both partners are committed to make it work and help each other evolve. Many a times, older couples feel jaded and give up when things become difficult – as we grow older our priorities and expectations from ourselves, and our relationships also undergo a change. Most often, these are obstacles and difficulties that can be easily managed, however our egos, real and imagined hurts and pride prevent us from reaching out. What ensues is a gradual breakdown of communication and the eventual loss of the will to keep the relationship alive.

It is here that the wisdom of Kintsugi can help us. A relationship is a shared story, a journey the partners have embarked on; somewhere down the long road we forget that we are together and try to forge our own paths. Kintsugi inspires us to embrace the imperfections of our partner, letting go of old patterns and opening oneself to new possibilities to grow and change, while still holding on to the values and commitments that gold is together.

A mended relationship will always have its lines and scars, but when we mend them with gold, we are filling in the cracks with something precious. Those cracks are not something to be unhappy about, rather they are the badge of honour – they remind us that there is beauty in imperfections, and everything is worth salvaging and celebrating. This simple and deep Japanese philosophy inspires us to have faith in the gentle healing of love and the power of renewal and restoration.

What we leave unsaid

 This has not been easy for me to write as it meant a lot of introspection and self evaluation in the most brutal terms. I hope I am honest and sincere in writing this, as I want you to know what you mean to me and how badly I have messed up 'us' through my stupidities.

A lesson learnt over the past 2 years, that family, especially your partner is what we have and what stays with us when we need it the most. Friends, relationships, acquaintances may change over a period of time, priorities and dynamics change; but one thing that doesn't change is the love and commitment of your partner. You may resent, or not recognise, but I have learnt it the hard way that it takes two to run a marriage. 

In a marriage, you lose when you start thinking about yourself alone. And this is the mistake I made when a couple of years back, fed up of some circumstances, I gave up and thought about just myself and running away to escape.. the biggest fallacy of my life, I thought I can be happy by moving away from those circumstances.. but I who pride myself as the 'knowitall' couldn't understand that I took the first step towards the destruction of my married life and caused so much grief to the someone who means a lot to me. But things became complex and his anger made me hate him more. All the time yearning him to love me more, but my own insecurities and decisions pushed him father and farther away. A lot was said, which shouldn't have been said... Our words , meaningless words we utter to hurt, stay with us like scars that refuse to heal. And going through those turbulent times, I chose to just see everything from the lens of those words. I forgot that love has various meanings and expressions- his love for me has never been loud or sensational- but it has been like those starts I always seek in the sky- always there, sometimes shining bright, sometimes clouded under storm clouds, but even when invisible, there in its permanence.

I regret not being wise enough to hold on to what was mine, but he still held on..

I should have made him understand by being transparent and honest about my fears and anxieties and not taken rash decisions. I should have said and shown my love, when I should have...

So here, I am acknowledging the one person, to whom I have been least fair, and the one who has been with me through thick and thin, quietly steadfast in his presence beside me. Bearing with me through my impulsively ridiculous decisions and stubbornness, sometimes patiently and sometimes not so patiently waiting for me to see reason, through the trials and tribulations of married life, through my screwed logics and flawed thinking processes- he has not given up on me. We have a strange relationship , I believe we are meant to be, but we are very different people; still like magnets, we attract and we repel.

A study in contrast, on the face of it, we are poles apart- he is driven to my relaxed, logical to my abstract, practical to my unrealistic.

There have been many instances over the years, when I have hated him, but it's taken a lot of time for me to truly understand that those who love you, will seek to make you better..it is not about accepting who you are, but about making you a better version of yourself, help you survive better. The process is not easy, and if we choose to hate the other person for this, then we haven't really understood him.

I am sorry for my foolishness and childish behaviour and thank you for still being there.  But , I also want to say that it's been only you and never anyone else, not even in my thoughts, and never will be either .

I don't want to leave it unsaid that for me you are my sense of safety and security.. you are home and I will not make the mistake of wandering away from my home again.

And yet, I would also like to pray for you that you make peace with the  world. You seem to be in a battle with the world around you, maybe it's because your acute sensitivity makes you feel everything in a magnified manner. Life is not fair, there are more lows than highs; it's up to us to find out own happiness... We may not be your ideal family, but we are family nonetheless.  In our own way we care.. Hope you never feel alienated and alone.

It's been a year..

 

A whole year without you, the gaping hole in my heart refusing to heal. It's been an incredibly long and difficult time, memories clinging to me like vines to a branch. 

I take a deep breath and look up. You are there somewhere in the infinite sky watching over me. You are my guardian angel, both then and now. RIP papa. 

Yesterday, a profound sense of calm pervaded me, listening to a grieving daughter question Sadhguru about how to cope up after her mother's demise; it hit me hard... his response gave a lot of peace and clarity to me. He simply said that letting go of a parent at any age is not easy, however it is the truth of life that parents will not live forever. Now it is up to us how to remember and cherish them? As a source of misery of as a source of joy?

I am at peace finally, the tears have stemmed... I will always cherish you in my heart papa and grateful to god for letting me be your daughter. The sadness will never go away, but I know one thing- you are NOT a source of misery to me .. Till we see each other again ..

My reality?

I sit awhile, trying to make sense of my life. Why is it steering itself in the direction I don't want it to go in? Why don't have I any control over it anymore??

Anymore? I think to myself!

Did I ever have any control ever, at all? I am not sure about that now. The biggest illusion we live in is to believe we are the creators of our own life story. I tried to give it a direction I thought was best for me... but I am not sure anymore. I am a ray of light, travelling far distances, illuminating the world around it and yet there isn't anything inside it to hold on to- at once whole and shattered into a million shards. What am I and who am I? I still cannot comprehend my own reality.

But what I have learnt is this one simple truth -one becomes whole by accepting and loving the world and the people who dare to love you in their own ways.

Reality is not always about ourselves. It is a composite whole . Ubuntu- I am , because of who we all are. 

Each step of life is like climbing a set of stairs. Every step we take is a new learning, it takes us nearer to what we seek to be. And we learn, every minute of this life. 

I will continue to contemplate, but I am at peace, happy and content to be what I am .. 

Who am I as an educator?

 Recently, someone very close to me put a question to me- ' What is your role as a teacher/educator, what value addition are you doing to the lives of your learners?' The question was simple yet profound simultaneously and I could not give an  answer then.  Steering clear of sensationalizing the so called 'higher purpose' behind my move to the field of education, I thought about it from an entirely unemotional perspective.

Being a teacher was never in my plan of things, infact 25 years back when my beloved late father suggested I become a teacher, I had the unfortunate audacity to laugh and say, 'Who becomes a teacher, Dad?' Fate had other ideas - it led me exactly to the place I thought I'd never be in !

To come back to the question raised earlier, I don't have any noble or higher purpose because of which I teach. I teach because being with children help me comprehend my own reality in a clearer manner, I teach because these children help me feel sane and whole, especially when life conspires to doubt my very sense of being. As for value addition - well, I believe that I have an innate and inherent ability to understand children, especially those troubled by the world around them. Like me, they are trying to survive in a dignified manner and not letting the darkness swallow them. It takes a survivor to identify another. 

I am not sure about the role of an educator in this incredibly volatile world, but what I am absolutely sure about is the fact that children need love and acceptance. Learning will happen- we all have the skill to teach content, but what we need is empathy to first understand. A lot of learning is lost for unseen reasons, reasons we don't not want to address and resort to simply branding children as 'naughty', ' disruptive', ' trouble-makers' etc.. If  we just delve a little deeper and make an effort to create the right learning environment... we have covered the most difficult part of the journey!

Solitude

 Solitude, Einsamkeit, Soledad, Ekant... many languages same sentiment , same meaning. 

As I dwell upon life's essence , one recurrent thought has been about the significance of solitude.

A much misunderstood word, I have always felt that solitude is more often than not equated with loneliness. Most of us are scared of being on our own, alone, fearing the gloomy depths we may have to wallow in when alone. As a person more comfortable with my own company, I am more distressed at the thought of maintaining a facade of social consorting.  Being solitary does not mean you shun human contact; I have some good friends and love being with them. But given a choice, I would like to avoid the vagaries and complications of human behaviour in general. And as I get older, this notion of being on my own is becoming more and more tempting and endearing. Solitude doesn't always mean you are unhappy, neither does it mean you cannot survive well when away from human company.  Possibly, some of us are more in sync with our inner selves and feel comfortable alone; to emphasise the point, something I read sums up my feelings on the topic -  "I have great times by myself. Once you know how to take care of yourself, company becomes an option and not a necessity.”- Keanu Reeves.

Solitude can be beautiful too, you just have to be strong enough to be friends with it. Once you know the power and independence of solitude, you are free. Unrestricted by the world around you, your spirit is free- it lets you connect better with your own self and makes you much stronger. 

Rumi wisely said, "it is your road and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no-one can walk it for you." Reading it has made me wonder why we are so sacred to be alone?  Ancient wisdom, be it The Vedas or the Native Americans talk about solitude. Being on your own, being one with your own self in tune with the natural world.  Enjoy and embrace your solitude, you will discover you like it more than handling all the human drama around you😊😊!

You are who you are... May the force be with you!

 Like a dandelion in a field of roses... 

Is quite possibly the best analogy I can think of to summarize a lifelong struggle to fit in.  

Trying to fit in , to belong , to be part of the larger world around you can be an extremely onerous and cumbersome burden to carry for anyone- more so for an individualistically independent and quintessentially reclusive person . Oft misunderstood for their silence and mostly taken for granted  for their tendency to appease, it takes a long and lengthy struggle for one to finally be comfortable in one's own skin. To recognize oneself for who one is and hesitantly and reluctantly at first, trying to be assertive takes courage. 

To yearn to belong is an inherently primitive emotion and the lengths we go to achieve the same differs from person to person.  It can take many hues- from an angst driven shy teenager who wants to fit in with the trendy set; an adult who constantly gives in and obliterates his/her own individuality trying to fit into a relationship, in a new environment; to a nation furiously trying to tow the line of bigger, more powerful nations- All of it... Just to fit in.

But once in your life, when the Oracle finally whispers in your ears and you open your eyes, your heart and your mind, to the possibility of being free, of finally not giving a damn about the world around you...  Alis Volat Propriis- it simply means 'She Flies with her own wings'. And so you rise, rise above the meanness, the frivolity, the bondages of manipulations and coercions all around you. trying to hem you in, trying to forge you into who you are not!

Trying to steer the ship of your life away from the whirlpools  churning to suck you in, drowning you in a tempestuous swirl of emotions and guilt, will never be an easy journey. 

With persistence and tenacious grit, you will eventually find the strength in you to finally put down your foot and assert yourself- stand up for who you are or what you believe in and to do so unapologetically.  

And when you do that, you can finally be the person you were always meant to be ! 🙂

Find your Soul and You will live.

 

For my Dad

 For you Dad

They say it will heal with time and life goes on,

I guess it does and will; 

but I never will be whole again.

A part of me is lost... forever,

I look back and can't find you there, not understanding the reason why you had to be gone.

I know you can feel my tears and want me to be strong.

And I wipe.my tears and am glad you were there, glad of our memories together.

For your love has always been my lighthouse and you will steer me like always.

You did not go alone, you took a part of me with you. 

In gratitude , I hold  our memories tight ,

you may not be physically there but I won't mind anymore,

for the body is naught, we are one in spirit.

Au revoir Dad

21 Dec 2022

There is solace and comfort in grief, a warm embrace that is holding me together and not letting me shatter. And I don't feel like leaving her or crawling out of her lap, to face a world without my father. To say I am reeling with the loss is an understatement. We are all children till we lose a parent and then... we are just lost and adrift. 

No matter how much time i got to prepare for this eventuality, it was not enough. I cried, raged against god, googled survival rates, hoped against hope, thinking somehow he will ride over things. But that was not to be.  He left as he had lived, gently and without a fuss. A noble soul , he looked out for everyone and am happy that he knew till the end that he was loved and cherished by so many.

No matter how selfish I wanted to be to keep you here with me , I knew the pain you were going through. Rest in peace papa, till we meet again and I know you will be waiting for me at the other side when the time comes.

Sometimes....

 

It has been a year of contradictions, of conflicting emotions, of indescribable pain and yet of immeasurable hope and faith. 

Thankful for family and friends who rallied by me , took the time to call, message or meet and held me up after dad's passing away. 

Sometimes it is enough that we just get up and embrace life and thank you to my amazing support systems for helping me do just that. 

To memories, love, laughter, resilience and living it up...

"Life is but a day; A fragile dew-drop on its perilous way From a tree’s summit." John Keats, The Complete Poems

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."

Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

The mood is dark and forbidding tonight. A most unfortunate news has permeated and disintegrated my sense of peace and tranquility. Still grappling with this phantasmagoria, a sense of surreal disbelief refusing to leave  me. A young, sparkling life snuffed out too early and all of a sudden. The sheer zemblanity of it all!

We weave the fabric of our lives with the illusory threads of permanence and continuity. But when this very fabric is shredded by the viscitude of life , even the strongest find it a trial. We live our lives without realising the transience of our existence, secure in the knowledge that we will live forever, our loved ones will be there with us forever and the lives we build around us will last and stand the test of time. And when we lose a loved one, this perceived coziness is shredded to pieces and a.mammoth effort is required to seize control of our lives from the depths of grief. 

Thinking of the one departed, it is hard to imagine the anguish and trauma of her family- losing a daughter, a sister, a wife and most distressingly a mother! The chasm she left behind will never be bridged, but our prayers and blessings in these trying times will help heal their broken spirit in time. 

Maya Angelou's words resonate with me somewhere deep inside when I think of death... and I am still not prepared!

Happiness is..... A Kindle

 

An event of earth shattering magnitude occurred yesterday, I felt crushed, it was as if the whole world came to a standstill....  

Well, you must be wondering what catastrophe befell me, did the sky fall down or Apocalypse happened??

Nothing of that gargantuan proportions happened, it is just that my Kindle refused to start( which to me was tantamount to a Shakespearean or Greek tragedy all rolled into one)  - I left it to charge , joyfully contemplating a few hours of blissful reading. My sea of tranquility was rocked by a fierce tempest- critical battery status on my kindle screen, no matter how hard I tried to revive it, my kindle refused to restart. In that moment, I felt like I was losing a much loved and cherished friend leaving behind a void which cannot be filled. The reminiscence of happy times filled with hours of enraptured reading on my kindle flashed before me. A treasured and loyal friend, my kindle has been my companion and kindred soul. 

And then, as I was trying to come to terms with my despondency and torment, I saw the screen flicker and like the mythical Phoenix, my Kindle resurrected itself from the ashes!

All order was restored and as Darth Vader famously said" This will be a day long remembered..."

Where do I see myself five years down the line?

The quintessential question found in the repertoire of  every interview's quiver of arrows to be aimed at potential candidates, a question done to death in every interview and worse, the score of unimaginative and run of the mill answers given in response!

Though I am not facing a hiring manager, I would still like to contemplate an answer, however there is no easy answer to this superficially profound question.

If I answer I do not know, you will think I am not ambitious or my life lacks direction. If I give a detailed itinerary of my life's journey as I envision 5 years ahead, you will think me over-confident and arrogant!

The world as we know it has undergone a dramatic and perhaps unimaginable change, a change none of us were prepared for! In this fragmented world, the shards of  our illusionary invincibility lie scattered, we are scrambling to find meaning and reconstruct the familiar wholeness. It feels like we are in the middle of a fast paced thriller with no clue to the ending. In this scenario how do I answer this question- it makes me pause and think. 

Five years ahead is a scenario I cannot fathom today, I wish to be a lot of things by then, just not sure if I will be able to achieve it all. So instead of wishing and wanting to be somewhere in an uncertain and  unsure future, I would live in the moment, savor each minute as it comes and not think of what lay ahead. The most constant thing in this world is change : " Resistance is futile" !

Beam me up Scotty! I am ready to live ! :)

" Teaching is a walk in the park..... but that park is Jurassic Park !"

A lazy afternoon well spent in mentoring and assisting my 12+ year old prodigal son in his English creative writing exercise. Being an English language educator, that would be my Utopian ideal , sadly, the ground reality is appallingly dystopian!!!

Picture the scenario: 

Summons from the Lord and Master of the house: "Son, you need to pick a suitable topic to work on your creative writing skills! "

Prodigal Son: " Yes papa" ( apparently all the teenage Sturm & Drang is directed against the mother and not the father). " Mom, I can't think, can you suggest a topic please?"

Oh the joy I feel at being asked!

Me: " Of course beta"( and being the ubiquitous teacher , I give him the topic that my 4th graders in school were given last week). "Why don't you try writing on - What I feel when I look out of the window....

Prodigal son-"MOM, what kind of a topic is this????  What will i write about when i look out of the window, what IS there to look out at?? and on top of that I am stuck here, in this lock down, with nothing happening in my life....

Me: " Ok, hold your horses, you are supposed to THINK about it and not rant at the unfairness of your life"

15 minutes goes by...

Me:" Son, are you done writing?"

Prodigal Son-" What? like now? SO soon???"

Me:"How long does it take to think and write?"

Prodigal Son- " Mom, just because you can write does not mean I can too, this is unfair...." ( and the raging and ranting goes on.)

Me: Ok! Ok!, take your time.

Another 15 minutes later..

Me: " SO , what have you finally  written?"

Prodigal Son passes his workbook to me.

My worst nightmare came true, the world as I know if does not exist anymore , the humongous effort and energy spent  by just trying to get him to start thinking on the given topic makes me cry tears of frustration and lament the gross malfeasance by the Almightly creator in giving me a son who cannot appreciate the nuances of English language! His piece is full of gaming and science fiction jargon, a picture of a desolate future due to human actions. Very creative indeed, but where is the  sentence structure, and punctuation, not to forget the use of imagery to make meaning clear?👿

Prodigal Son(looking at my inscrutable expression): " Mom, relax, It is not so bad, at least I used my imagination!"

Me: (in a daze)- "Yes dear! There is that.."😓

END to a  productive and fulfilling afternoon. (ahem!)

Serendipity

Does the universe conspire for souls to meet each other?

Another weekend, another thought provoking question! 

This one thought has been on my mind for a long time, what is that serendipitous force that pulls two ships passing in the night to each other? Destined to be together and how?

Some things are meant to be... I live by this adage. Some things are too strange to be a coincidence and if we believe in the power of this universe , we must believe in serendipity. So tune your mind and your soul and wait for the universe to lend a helping hand. Happy weekend. 

Happy Friendship Day

There are so many of these ' days' that are being celebrated now a days that I am bewildered at the mind-boggling variety and the sheer numbers of these monstrosities that are foisted upon us, exploiting our sentimental and tender-hearted emotions 

Having said that, there is one among these that is special to me, just for the simple reason that it celebrates people in my life who have been more to me than even family. Without being sentimental and misty-eyed, this piece today is my ode to the few friends in my life who have kept me sane when everything around me was maddeningly falling apart. 

Someone rightly said," A true friend walks in, when the rest of the world walks out".

The balm of their understanding, the benevolence of their friendship and the show of solidarity when I, like Atlas toiled and struggled to uphold the burden of my adversities, helped me overcome those difficult times. I am who I am and I am blessed for having a few people in my life, who are bound to me , not by blood, but by bonds that are deeper than blood; for they have shown me what it means to be a true friend.

Humbled and blessed, I thank each one of you my dear friends for embracing me and loving me. 

A special thank you to all my friends,we don't need daily conversations as we are all in each other's thoughts and hearts always.

Wisdom begins in wonder-Socrates

Chanced upon this  sagacious quote  with a serenely sanguine image while going through my daily Facebook wanderings. The wise Socrates said-"Wisdom begins in Wonder". This got me thinking as to how germane this saying is to our children today.  Without a sense of wonder and a capacity to appreciate the  world around us, we are not really on the real path of learning.

Children have an innate and inherent desire to question and they go about this quest in the most incredibly persistent manner. Not a moment goes by when I am not a target if heavy artillery fire of wondering and questioning from my two boys! As exhausting as it is, there is also a sense of intellectuals exhilaration, when I am able to give a satisfactory answer to their never ending queries. But many a times I am guilty of ignoring their questions, "Not right now, I am busy", or "we will talk about it later". By stifling their curiosity or worse by not acknowledging it, am I impeding them? Is education just amassing a set of degrees, or do I have the courage to let me children actually learn?? When they wonder, they learn- without the filters of what society deems appropriate and outside the parameters of the perception of education! Do we possess the wisdom to set our children free? Food for thought...

“Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?” ― Garth Nix, Sabriel

So it has been a while that I inked my thoughts on paper!

Last couple of weeks have been a struggle- to construe some kind of meaning in this existence, the what and why of this life! There are times  when I  recede into a cocoon of my own making- where in isolation I muse upon some surreal questions; diving into the obsidian depths of my mind . Like a sea slug lying unobtrusive on the sea floor, my question refuses to go away, no matter how much I dive into abyssal depths to run away from it, I keep coming back - over and over! I tie millstones of rationalism around its neck ,burn it at the stake of optimistic contentment , but like the mythological phoenix, it rises up every time! 

The demon confronts me again and this time I chose to take it head on. So here I am trying to figure out an answer to the one question that has ceaselessly rallied like an unabating storm against the windows of my mind-  Are we truly free and masters of our own destiny?

Like all human, I live a glorified chimera we call life- a fable with its share of ebbs and tides. I have maintained the facade that  I am the creator of my destiny and . And a tiny voice inside my head say- "Oh Really!!!" 

No matter how much we wish to continue the illusion, the fact is, there are forces in this universe that are beyond our understanding or control. The best laid plans go awry, years of hard work  lay to naught, your life disintegrate in front of you.... and you cannot do  anything except wring your hands , lament or rage against the inequity. 

I am a firm believer in the concept of TIME. When the time is right , everything neatly falls into place like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and when the time is not- well, one piece will elude you, precluding the completion of your puzzle. 

I am still pondering over the question, sinking deeper into the vast morass as I try finding an answer... and so the quest continues !!!!

Till next time

Akanksha Bhanot

Back to school, relive the nostalgia- Must watch on Netflix!

I have always been a movie buff and more so now with lockdown blues and a lot of time on hand to spare! If you like high school romcoms, you MUST, absolutely MUST watch The Kissing Booth. A sparkly frothy movie about two best pals and the regular trials and tribulations of teenage love, and what happens when the female lead falls in love with the yummilicious elder brother of her best friend!!! Fantastic cast, great music and loads of fun to watch. Watch out for the sequel on 24th July!!!