When we look beyond the flaws..

While casually scrolling through my Insta account, I came across a page about a rather remarkable Japanese art- Kintsugi or Kintsukiroi , a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery pieces by joining them with lacquered gold.

As I read more about it, the profound beauty and symbolic significance of this simple process in context of human relationships made me reflect.

Human relationships, especially marriages are a strong yet fragile bond. Two people when together can overcome any obstacle, and yet can disintegrate and grow apart at the slightest provocation.

 A relationship works in the long term only when both partners are committed to make it work and help each other evolve. Many a times, older couples feel jaded and give up when things become difficult – as we grow older our priorities and expectations from ourselves, and our relationships also undergo a change. Most often, these are obstacles and difficulties that can be easily managed, however our egos, real and imagined hurts and pride prevent us from reaching out. What ensues is a gradual breakdown of communication and the eventual loss of the will to keep the relationship alive.

It is here that the wisdom of Kintsugi can help us. A relationship is a shared story, a journey the partners have embarked on; somewhere down the long road we forget that we are together and try to forge our own paths. Kintsugi inspires us to embrace the imperfections of our partner, letting go of old patterns and opening oneself to new possibilities to grow and change, while still holding on to the values and commitments that gold is together.

A mended relationship will always have its lines and scars, but when we mend them with gold, we are filling in the cracks with something precious. Those cracks are not something to be unhappy about, rather they are the badge of honour – they remind us that there is beauty in imperfections, and everything is worth salvaging and celebrating. This simple and deep Japanese philosophy inspires us to have faith in the gentle healing of love and the power of renewal and restoration.

What we leave unsaid

 This has not been easy for me to write as it meant a lot of introspection and self evaluation in the most brutal terms. I hope I am honest and sincere in writing this, as I want you to know what you mean to me and how badly I have messed up 'us' through my stupidities.

A lesson learnt over the past 2 years, that family, especially your partner is what we have and what stays with us when we need it the most. Friends, relationships, acquaintances may change over a period of time, priorities and dynamics change; but one thing that doesn't change is the love and commitment of your partner. You may resent, or not recognise, but I have learnt it the hard way that it takes two to run a marriage. 

In a marriage, you lose when you start thinking about yourself alone. And this is the mistake I made when a couple of years back, fed up of some circumstances, I gave up and thought about just myself and running away to escape.. the biggest fallacy of my life, I thought I can be happy by moving away from those circumstances.. but I who pride myself as the 'knowitall' couldn't understand that I took the first step towards the destruction of my married life and caused so much grief to the someone who means a lot to me. But things became complex and his anger made me hate him more. All the time yearning him to love me more, but my own insecurities and decisions pushed him father and farther away. A lot was said, which shouldn't have been said... Our words , meaningless words we utter to hurt, stay with us like scars that refuse to heal. And going through those turbulent times, I chose to just see everything from the lens of those words. I forgot that love has various meanings and expressions- his love for me has never been loud or sensational- but it has been like those starts I always seek in the sky- always there, sometimes shining bright, sometimes clouded under storm clouds, but even when invisible, there in its permanence.

I regret not being wise enough to hold on to what was mine, but he still held on..

I should have made him understand by being transparent and honest about my fears and anxieties and not taken rash decisions. I should have said and shown my love, when I should have...

So here, I am acknowledging the one person, to whom I have been least fair, and the one who has been with me through thick and thin, quietly steadfast in his presence beside me. Bearing with me through my impulsively ridiculous decisions and stubbornness, sometimes patiently and sometimes not so patiently waiting for me to see reason, through the trials and tribulations of married life, through my screwed logics and flawed thinking processes- he has not given up on me. We have a strange relationship , I believe we are meant to be, but we are very different people; still like magnets, we attract and we repel.

A study in contrast, on the face of it, we are poles apart- he is driven to my relaxed, logical to my abstract, practical to my unrealistic.

There have been many instances over the years, when I have hated him, but it's taken a lot of time for me to truly understand that those who love you, will seek to make you better..it is not about accepting who you are, but about making you a better version of yourself, help you survive better. The process is not easy, and if we choose to hate the other person for this, then we haven't really understood him.

I am sorry for my foolishness and childish behaviour and thank you for still being there.  But , I also want to say that it's been only you and never anyone else, not even in my thoughts, and never will be either .

I don't want to leave it unsaid that for me you are my sense of safety and security.. you are home and I will not make the mistake of wandering away from my home again.

And yet, I would also like to pray for you that you make peace with the  world. You seem to be in a battle with the world around you, maybe it's because your acute sensitivity makes you feel everything in a magnified manner. Life is not fair, there are more lows than highs; it's up to us to find out own happiness... We may not be your ideal family, but we are family nonetheless.  In our own way we care.. Hope you never feel alienated and alone.